Making Friends |#MilitaryMonday

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Every couple years on average, army families are faced with new challenges. Lots of challenges all brought on by a simple piece of paper called “PCS Orders.”

A PCS is a Permanent Change of Station. That means you are going to start the process of a move. It means a band of packers coming in your house and taking away everything you own, and prayers that your beloved treasures make it to their new location in one piece.

It means going through tons of appointments, including physicals and screenings to make sure your family can have any needed medical care in your next location.

It means researching and learning all about a new community, new state, or maybe even a new country.

It means uprooting your family and starting all over again somewhere else.

I often see articles or books about children making moves and making new friends. The military community has done a great job in trying to make this transition easier for them. I have even seen a series about a little girl named Piper Reed, who is a “Navy Brat” and the challenges she faces with military life and PCS-es.

So you go through the process, you get to your new location, you get your household goods delivered, and go through the process of a claim, because the movers smashed your grandmother’s antique cabinet. You hang all the pictures, you get the kids started in school and making new friends. You learn new routines, you learn where all the stores and coffee shops are.

And then what?

I’m going to do something that I almost never, ever, ever do. When I originally thought about writing this article, I intended to keep it general – with lots of encouraging thoughts and platitudes. You know – the “hooah,” perfect army wife image.  But, after a long, long time – and almost not even touching this subject at all, I decided to just go for it.

I am going to open up and share my personal struggles with you. I am going to bare my soul to you, and the reason I decide to do this, was because maybe there are others that are struggling with the same thing. There must be, and I just want you to know that you are not alone.

I am a strong person. And please hear my heart – I am not saying this to brag. It is part of my nature to never show weakness. I am always striving to do more, better, all. I am a perfectionist when it comes to myself, and I am my worst critic. No matter how good I might be at something, it is never quite good enough. Need a volunteer? I will sacrifice my time, my sleep, everything for it. Need help? I’m there. I am the woman who will cry in the shower when my husband is sent off to Iraq for the first time in 2003, because I will be strong for my family. No one will see a tear. I will be the rock. No weakness. No cracks. No imperfections. Ever.

So writing this article is much harder for me than you might think. I truly hope it helps others out there.

When my children were younger, it was very easy to PCS and start all over. When you have little kids, they are almost an open door for ways of “getting out there.” You go to a play group and you immediately have things in common with the other ladies there. You all have kids, you are all moms, and friendships are easily struck.

But what happens when you don’t have that?

I have been a stay-at-home mom for a very, very long time. It is a decision that our family made and would make again every single time. I have always been home for the kids, I have been their piece of stability when life goes crazy and their daddy got on another plane to go on another deployment. Again, being “mom” made it easy to adapt to a new location. Whether it was play groups or homeschool co-ops, making connections and friends was easy.

Then we moved up here to Alaska. My kids are older now, we don’t have the play groups any more. We don’t have any established homeschool co-ops up here, and there weren’t ways for me to put myself out there like I have in the past.

This last PCS was a struggle for me because of that. We moved up here, and no sooner got settled, and my husband was sent off on yet another deployment. My other half was gone, again.

I found myself in a situation where I was one of, if not the oldest “wife” in the unit. Even those who seemed close to my age, had kids who were much younger. I had a hard time connecting with them, and they seemed to have a hard time connecting with me. How do you make friends outside of your children, when that is all you have ever done?

I found myself feeling very alone. My best friend was thousands of miles away, and though we talked on the phone all the time – phone calls can not substitute real, face-to-face interaction with others. At one point during the deployment, when I was feeling especially down, I had a conversation with someone that I liked. She told me that she had thought about having me over for dinner some time, but was basically intimidated that her cooking wouldn’t be good enough. So she never invited me. As I was already feeling very alone and depressed, that was like a knife in the heart. I was intimidating? Me? And to make matters worse, I had that same theme repeated several more times in the next few months by several other people. I was repeatedly being told that I was intimidating in one way or another. Not that I was “scary” or anything, because I am very nice and friendly (this is how it was explained to me) – but that some people felt they had to measure themselves against me or something. Honestly, I still question this. I still don’t understand it. You like me, but I’m too nice? You think I’m great, but I’m too great?

Looking back, I realize that the situation effected more than I thought. I was struggling more than I realized. While the words hurt – I know they were never intended to for one second. It was a very difficult phase, and me being me …would never let anyone know.

To make things even harder, I tend to be a very private person. I wouldn’t quite call myself an introvert – but I have a hard time being in a room full of people if I don’t know anyone. Stepping out into a new environment is excruciating to me. It only makes me want to stay home more. Do you see the Catch 22?

I digress. When my husband came home for R&R, I was in heaven. I was complete. I had my other half united with me once again. And then he left. Again.

At one point prior to my husband’s R&R, I had even joined a church to see if I could make some friends that way. I don’t believe in institutional religion, but was willing to go those steps to make some personal connections up here in Alaska.  Well, that failed miserably. While there were a some really nice people there, there were people who were very hurtful. Without going into too much detail, we were wronged, and the apologies never came.  Right around the time my husband came home from R&R, I had decided I wasn’t setting foot back in that church. So when my husband left, everything hit kind of extra hard.

I was all alone again. I found myself getting even more depressed. I decided I needed a change, and like many women do, that meant a trip to the salon. I went from hip-length hair to mid-back length hair. A couple weeks later, I decided that wasn’t enough of a change, and I had it all cut off, short, and even threw a streak of blue in it – because I decided that I was heading towards 40, and why should I care what anyone thought any more?

Over time, I became more involved with the volunteer work I was doing. I joined a local Bible Study group at the chapel on post. I have even joined our installation’s Community Spouses Club.

I finally started making real, human, local connections! I finally felt truly at home here in Alaska.

And guess what? In less than a year, we are going to start All. Over. Again. We don’t know where. We don’t know when. But sometime next year, we will get that little piece of paper – “Permanent Change of Station” – and it will start the process all over again.

I know that eventually things will be fine. I know that eventually I will make great friends and love my new home. It’s the getting there that is so incredibly herculean.

It is a struggle that I find military wives often don’t like to talk about. We focus on how hard it is for our kids to be the new kid at school, or the new kid in the neighborhood. But we too, struggle with being the new lady in the unit.

So my word of encouragement? If you are new – please put yourself out there. I know it is hard. I know it is scary. But you are not alone. You aren’t the only one that has struggled with this.

If you have a new family PCS to your neighborhood or your unit – please open your heart to them. Because no matter how strong they might appear, no matter how “got it all together” they might seem – she’s  new, and she’s starting all over again too.

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Comments

  1. says

    I honestly could have written this very post. Our lives are very parallel. This move to our current location three years ago was very difficult because of many of the same challenges you faced. I volunteer…a lot and that helped some but like you I was at a different season of my life than many I saw daily. My kids are older, my husband and I have been married longer, ect. It has been a challenge and finally after three years, I have connected with people who were finally able to see past the person that was "intense" and "intimidating". Sadly, most of those people are now on orders and will start to leave in the next 3-6 months.

    Thanks for sharing this wonderful and insightful post. I hope it isn't as painful the next go round.

  2. Kendra says

    I had a hard time moving up here also but the thought of doing it all over again makes me sick to my stomach. It has been 13 moves in 16 years, and all of the sudden I am done. I used to love house hunting. Now I dread it…and I even grew up military, so this should be old hat but I am just tired of it. Btw, I woke up thinking about you and where in the world you are going to end up. I know orders are coming up sooner than you want. It is such a double edged sword.

    • says

      Kendra you are so sweet! It is a challenge! Sometimes we feel like we are the only ones that go through this – but that is why I decided to write this after all. I know there are others – and they probably felt just as alone in it as I did. I think it is something that we simply don't talk about. We are Army Wives! We are strong! But we are human. I used to enjoy PCSing, loved it – maybe because I DID grow up in the same town, lived in the same house from the time I was 6 until I left for the army. It was a new life, it was exciting. But like you, I am weary of it. I look forward to finally settling down and establishing my REAL home.

  3. DustiMay says

    As always, very eloquently put. You and I are more alike than you can even imagine. I am very blessed to have gotten to know you! And anyone that is willing to welcome you into their life will be most happy they did!

  4. Monique Moya says

    Oh Conni hugs! You are such an amazing person. When we first got to Bragg you were one of the first people to truly make me feel welcome, with no judgements just friendship. The people who choose not to engage with you because they are intimidated are really missing out! Our lives really do bring some challenges.

  5. says

    Great post Conni. I really struggle with this also because my husband joined active duty later in life than most and our last child at home is almost 17. I always feel like the oldest one also, and the wives that are older than me are just not the type of people I normally socialize with. I just don't feel like there is anyplace for me to fit in because most things (even things put on by the Army) seem geared toward younger children. This time I actually broke down and took a job outside of the home to have some interaction. I miss being there to pick up my daughter everyday from school and hear about her day, I miss our hang out time before Dad gets home, but I have a few friends at work. That is another Catch 22. We are supposed to move next year also and I am going to try some of the things you mentioned to connect. Thanks for sharing,I am glad to know I am not the only one who feels this way.

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